As I sit here in the beautiful Koh Samui, Thailand I am 6 weeks postpartum. One would think it should be all bliss in such a beautiful part of the world, but my current reality is that my wounds are still really raw, both mentally and physically. I am sitting poolside with my kids in bikinis that feel tight, my pregnancy belly still very present and yes these are all superficial things but experiencing this reality opens up a lot of wounds and feelings of our beautiful girl we just lost.
Before leaving, I was so looking forward to going on holidays, the feeling of getting out of the cold winters city and delving into the tropical climate 10 hrs away. What more could you want to heal? Let me just say, being heavier than normal in a bikini with a suitcase full of clothes that don’t fit is a challenging way to start the healing process. Before I left I didn’t think to try everything on, I thought I was pretty close to my normal size again, wow, was I wrong. I think I might have to take a trip down to the local market and barter for a sarong to live in for the week.
Amongst all the laugher and the fun with the kids, there is the tears and the heart ache, there is sun, snuggles and refreshing seas and amongst it all there time some time to start to heal. And that what I think it all really comes down to, time.
I really feel the one thing that has really helped me through this whole process is my beliefs. I do believe we are made up of a mind, body and soul; the holy trinity, and knowing that my loss was just one part of that, her body. There is something really comforting in that. Even though I can still feel the kicks in my belly from when she was there, that beautiful feeing an expecting mother feels knowing she is growing a human inside of her. But in all that, I know her body just wasn’t ready, and even more so, it wasn’t the right fit for her soul. I can still feel her around us, just like I did before falling pregnant. I can feel here presence when I am silent and still. I know when and if the time is right again, I will help create another little body for her come on into this world in. I also believe and know that every time I see a loose white feather fall in my path that this is an indication that our fallen angel is here with us, as she always will be.
This thought, idea, belief does make me stronger? Does it make it easier? I’m not sure, there is still constant reminders around me of what we have had to go through in the last couple of months. The follow up hospital appointments where I see new mums and their new born babies, every time my breasts leak of milk and wish I had a little one to nurse, when I go for a walk and want to run to help release pent up emotions but can’t as my pelvic floor is not strong enough, every time I notice my body trying to heal and recover is a constant reminder.
On the contrary, every time my body heals and I notice it, I know my mind and soul can heal too, I just need to allow the healing to take place. I know healing cannot take place by hanging out in the past or from a place of loss. It comes from every little step forward that we take. The gratitude for everything that is and from the power of now.
I know that when I watch my beautiful boys laugh and play, I am grateful.
The love and support I feel from my husband, I am grateful.
The friends, family and support system I have around me, I am grateful.
For my body that is recovering, I am grateful.
The knowledge, wisdom and understandings that I have learnt to help me through times like this, I am forever grateful.
I have always known and now more then ever I understand, that life doesn’t throw anything at you that you are not able to handle, nothing that you are not ready for. Everything that happens today is because we are either equipped to navigate through it or we have enough knowledge and understanding to find our way through.
The biggest thing that has come to my realisation in all of this is to really stop for a moment, stop and have a look at everything in my life. What is really important? What in my life do I want to carry into the next phase and what do I want to leave behind? What is it that I really want?
All I know is that it’s time to be fearless, so there are no barriers in creating what you want.
All I know is that there is now. There could be no tomorrow, or even the next minute. There is no use going through life directed by our fears, as that doesn’t lead us to any place we want to go.
All there is, is NOW. I want to make the most of this moment.
Good-bye for now, as I do just that. xx